Tag Archives: put it off

Are you stuck or just standing still? photo by Katherine Parker notcrazyjustnutz.com

Fearless Coward

I have always been just a touch not right in the head. In some aspects I am fearless. For example, I chose to be a police officer. When I did the law enforcement gig, I was involved in a shooting in which the suspect died and the officer standing arm’s reach in front of me was hit with a ricochet round.

One friend, asked me if I was going to get out of police work as a result of that experience. To her, it seemed logical. After all coming face to face with the grim reaper isn’t for everyone. Grim scares people. My response?

“Not a chance. This is fun.”

Like I said, not right in the head.

That experience tested me in a way that most people never experience. I learned I have a special talent for handling dangerous and scary situations with an instinctive calm and a rational thought process.

One moment I was standing holding my flashlight in one hand and my gun in the other. The next, I was peering around a concrete wall to see what the hell had just happened. I had gone to cover without even knowing I was moving.

I had the honor of pulling an injured officer to me and seeing to his wounds. I remember scrubbing that officer’s blood out from under my nails later and not being particularly…I don’t know, disturbed maybe? It seems like I should have felt something, but to me it just seemed like another day at work.

Through time I’ve come to realize that I have a warrior heart and since I’ve also come to understand our souls comeback to earth in cycles to learn and to teach, this makes perfect sense to me. I have a warrior heart, because in another life, I was a warrior. That’s why danger gets my heart rate up, but doesn’t really do much to my psyche. It’s just another day at the office.

I accepted death a long time ago as part of the living process. It’s going to happen and anyone who denies it or avoids thinking or talking about it is living in a fantasy world of childish denial.

And then there is the other side of me. The total coward.

I guess you have to have the yin with the yang. So it makes sense that I have a bit of coward in me. I will defy death, but unemployment scares the holy living crap out of me.

That is why I find it so hard to bring up problems with my employer. I would rather just blend into the background. I don’t want to be the squeaky wheel, because I’m afraid it will result in termination of my employment. I have no idea where this fear came from. Probably another past life.

That is why today is really hard for me. I’ve been having problems with my employer not paying me the way they should be. I discussed this in Ancient Dilemma. I’ve been allowing the employer to abuse and take advantage of me in order to have a job.

Well, that has to stop and today, I’m telling my boss that I quit. Then I’m reporting them to the Department of Labor because I can’t trust them to do the right thing. This is an ongoing issue and clearly, doing the right thing is beyond them.

I don’t have another job lined up, but I do have resources, ones I didn’t recognize until just a few weeks ago. I also know that The Divine will see me through. I just have to keep my eyes open for the opportunities and take the leap of faith.

It’s scary as hell, and even just thinking about sending that email freaks me out. Give me a guy with a gun over unemployment any day.

Yeah, I know. But like I said, I’m just not right in the head.

The Brain Damaged Goldfish

Years ago, when I was working a ‘real’ job, the movie Finding Nemo came out. I hadn’t seen it, but one of my coworkers told me I reminded her of Dory. When I finally saw the movie, I had to laugh. I could totally relate to… oh, look a butterfly.

Huh? Oh, sorry. What I was saying is, I have the attention span of a brain damaged goldfish. Want evidence to support that claim? Very well, here it is.

It takes me two hours to make and eat breakfast.

It goes something like this:

08:21:23 Turn on the computer. Get coffee beans from the cupboard.
08:22:04 Grind coffee beans and put them in the coffee machine. Add water and turn it on.
08:24:19 Turn on the computer to get music started, too quiet otherwise.
08:26:41 Get sidetracked reading forum posts.
08:57:31 Do some work.
09:05:12 Realize, I haven’t had my coffee. Grab my cup, but notice it’s dirty.
09:05:17 Look for a clean cup, but I only have two and the other one is dirty, too.
09:08:41 Figure out which one is less dirty. Follow the the Disgusting Dirty Dish Guidelines, to determine if it is too dirty to use with out washing. It isn’t. Use least dirty cup.
09:08:52 Sit down at the computer and read e-mail.
09:12:17 Remember I was getting coffee. Get sugar and add to dirty cup. Pour in coffee and milk.
09:13:01 Added to much milk now the coffee is cold.
09:13:53 Put coffee in the microwave and start it.
09:14:14 Do more work on the computer.
09:21:33 Realize I still don’t have my coffee. Look around, wondering what I did with it.
09:23:19 Found the coffee in the microwave. The coffee is cold, reheat.
09:23:46 Work on computer and listen for microwave ding. Get coffee and take first sip. Burn lip and tongue. Put coffee near the computer and start breakfast.
09:25:08 Find a frying pan.
09:25:30 Determine if frying pan exceeds the Disgusting Dirty Dish Guidelines. If it does, wash it. If it doesn’t, put it on the burner and pour in pre-cut onions and peppers. Light burner and go back to computer.
09:31:36 Notice the sizzling from the pan and stir.
09:31:59 Go back to computer.
09:36:15 Notice sizzling again. Add frozen hashbrowns to pan and stir.
09:38:48 Go back to computer.
09:46:48 Remember food in the pan, stir and look for dish to eat it in.
09:48:41 All the dishes are dirty, start looking for least dirty according the the Disgusting Dirty Dish Guidelines.
09:50:08 Find least dirty dish, but it’s disgusting. Wash the dish.
10:02:12 Stir peppers, onions, and hashbrowns. Add eggs and stir the mess together.
10:03:52 Work on computer.
10:06:54 Stir food. Put the food in the newly washed dish and sit down at computer.
10:09:46 Sip coffee, coffee is empty. Wonder when I drank it.
10:10:03 Make more coffee. Sit at computer and take two bites of breakfast.
10:13:16 Remember I wanted to make tea. Get up and find pan to boil water. It’s clean.
10:13:47 Wonder how that happened.
10:13:53 Fill the pan with water and set it on the stove to heat.
10:15:02 Go back to breakfast. My food is cold, so I put it in the microwave.
10:15:52 Work on the computer.
10:19:19 Water is simmering and reminds me to make the tea.
10:22:23 Remember the food in microwave. It’s still warm.
10:22:56 Eat breakfast while reading a funny story on computer.

You might laugh, but this is really how some of my mornings go.

Check back next week when I post the Disgusting Dirty Dish Guidelines.