Tag Archives: humour

The Brain Damaged Goldfish

Years ago, when I was working a ‘real’ job, the movie Finding Nemo came out. I hadn’t seen it, but one of my coworkers told me I reminded her of Dory. When I finally saw the movie, I had to laugh. I could totally relate to… oh, look a butterfly.

Huh? Oh, sorry. What I was saying is, I have the attention span of a brain damaged goldfish. Want evidence to support that claim? Very well, here it is.

It takes me two hours to make and eat breakfast.

It goes something like this:

08:21:23 Turn on the computer. Get coffee beans from the cupboard.
08:22:04 Grind coffee beans and put them in the coffee machine. Add water and turn it on.
08:24:19 Turn on the computer to get music started, too quiet otherwise.
08:26:41 Get sidetracked reading forum posts.
08:57:31 Do some work.
09:05:12 Realize, I haven’t had my coffee. Grab my cup, but notice it’s dirty.
09:05:17 Look for a clean cup, but I only have two and the other one is dirty, too.
09:08:41 Figure out which one is less dirty. Follow the the Disgusting Dirty Dish Guidelines, to determine if it is too dirty to use with out washing. It isn’t. Use least dirty cup.
09:08:52 Sit down at the computer and read e-mail.
09:12:17 Remember I was getting coffee. Get sugar and add to dirty cup. Pour in coffee and milk.
09:13:01 Added to much milk now the coffee is cold.
09:13:53 Put coffee in the microwave and start it.
09:14:14 Do more work on the computer.
09:21:33 Realize I still don’t have my coffee. Look around, wondering what I did with it.
09:23:19 Found the coffee in the microwave. The coffee is cold, reheat.
09:23:46 Work on computer and listen for microwave ding. Get coffee and take first sip. Burn lip and tongue. Put coffee near the computer and start breakfast.
09:25:08 Find a frying pan.
09:25:30 Determine if frying pan exceeds the Disgusting Dirty Dish Guidelines. If it does, wash it. If it doesn’t, put it on the burner and pour in pre-cut onions and peppers. Light burner and go back to computer.
09:31:36 Notice the sizzling from the pan and stir.
09:31:59 Go back to computer.
09:36:15 Notice sizzling again. Add frozen hashbrowns to pan and stir.
09:38:48 Go back to computer.
09:46:48 Remember food in the pan, stir and look for dish to eat it in.
09:48:41 All the dishes are dirty, start looking for least dirty according the the Disgusting Dirty Dish Guidelines.
09:50:08 Find least dirty dish, but it’s disgusting. Wash the dish.
10:02:12 Stir peppers, onions, and hashbrowns. Add eggs and stir the mess together.
10:03:52 Work on computer.
10:06:54 Stir food. Put the food in the newly washed dish and sit down at computer.
10:09:46 Sip coffee, coffee is empty. Wonder when I drank it.
10:10:03 Make more coffee. Sit at computer and take two bites of breakfast.
10:13:16 Remember I wanted to make tea. Get up and find pan to boil water. It’s clean.
10:13:47 Wonder how that happened.
10:13:53 Fill the pan with water and set it on the stove to heat.
10:15:02 Go back to breakfast. My food is cold, so I put it in the microwave.
10:15:52 Work on the computer.
10:19:19 Water is simmering and reminds me to make the tea.
10:22:23 Remember the food in microwave. It’s still warm.
10:22:56 Eat breakfast while reading a funny story on computer.

You might laugh, but this is really how some of my mornings go.

Check back next week when I post the Disgusting Dirty Dish Guidelines.