Are you stuck or just standing still? photo by Katherine Parker

Fearless Coward

I have always been just a touch not right in the head. In some aspects I am fearless. For example, I chose to be a police officer. When I did the law enforcement gig, I was involved in a shooting in which the suspect died and the officer standing arm’s reach in front of me was hit with a ricochet round.

One friend, asked me if I was going to get out of police work as a result of that experience. To her, it seemed logical. After all coming face to face with the grim reaper isn’t for everyone. Grim scares people. My response?

“Not a chance. This is fun.”

Like I said, not right in the head.

That experience tested me in a way that most people never experience. I learned I have a special talent for handling dangerous and scary situations with an instinctive calm and a rational thought process.

One moment I was standing holding my flashlight in one hand and my gun in the other. The next, I was peering around a concrete wall to see what the hell had just happened. I had gone to cover without even knowing I was moving.

I had the honor of pulling an injured officer to me and seeing to his wounds. I remember scrubbing that officer’s blood out from under my nails later and not being particularly…I don’t know, disturbed maybe? It seems like I should have felt something, but to me it just seemed like another day at work.

Through time I’ve come to realize that I have a warrior heart and since I’ve also come to understand our souls comeback to earth in cycles to learn and to teach, this makes perfect sense to me. I have a warrior heart, because in another life, I was a warrior. That’s why danger gets my heart rate up, but doesn’t really do much to my psyche. It’s just another day at the office.

I accepted death a long time ago as part of the living process. It’s going to happen and anyone who denies it or avoids thinking or talking about it is living in a fantasy world of childish denial.

And then there is the other side of me. The total coward.

I guess you have to have the yin with the yang. So it makes sense that I have a bit of coward in me. I will defy death, but unemployment scares the holy living crap out of me.

That is why I find it so hard to bring up problems with my employer. I would rather just blend into the background. I don’t want to be the squeaky wheel, because I’m afraid it will result in termination of my employment. I have no idea where this fear came from. Probably another past life.

That is why today is really hard for me. I’ve been having problems with my employer not paying me the way they should be. I discussed this in Ancient Dilemma. I’ve been allowing the employer to abuse and take advantage of me in order to have a job.

Well, that has to stop and today, I’m telling my boss that I quit. Then I’m reporting them to the Department of Labor because I can’t trust them to do the right thing. This is an ongoing issue and clearly, doing the right thing is beyond them.

I don’t have another job lined up, but I do have resources, ones I didn’t recognize until just a few weeks ago. I also know that The Divine will see me through. I just have to keep my eyes open for the opportunities and take the leap of faith.

It’s scary as hell, and even just thinking about sending that email freaks me out. Give me a guy with a gun over unemployment any day.

Yeah, I know. But like I said, I’m just not right in the head.