Break away from what you were. Become what you are meant to be.

All That I Am

Yesterday sucked. It sucked on an epic scale.

It started with me waking up with anxiety. But I’ve been dealing with anxiety for years now and have managed to get a handle on it. Step one, eat something. Step two, meditate. Step three, do yoga or go for a walk. If that doesn’t work, try step four. Take a bath with lavender oil and sea salt. If that still doesn’t work, go back to bed, and before going to sleep, resolve to wake up in a better place mentally. I rarely have to go past step two anymore, but it was rough yesterday.

I went through steps one and two without relief. I had a bit of a headache that got worse with activity, so I opted for the bath instead of yoga. The headache was being caused by tension in my shoulders and neck, so the bath sounded awesome.

That helped some, but didn’t relieve the issue completely. I decided to repeat step two to find out what was making me tense.

Turns out, the anxiety was a result of not knowing what to do next. I’m all about taking the next step and keeping my eye on my objective. If I encounter an obstacle, I assess the situation, decide on a new plan, and take the next logical step. I keep going until I hit another obstacle, and repeat the assess-adapt-move forward process until I get where I’m going. It is that adapt-on-the-fly mindset that has gotten me through life and helped me excel at disaster response and crisis situations.

There I was, feeling anxious because I had three days to be out of the apartment. I didn’t know where I was going, when I was leaving, or even how much I could take. I didn’t even know for sure how I would be traveling. I couldn’t plan. I was dead in the water, and it was freaking me out.

That damn countdown clock that I’d created was there tick, tick, ticking away and every time it ticked, it ratcheted up my fear. What do I do? The answer came to me. Clean out your closet.

Okay, that was something constructive and forward moving. It needed to be done no matter where I was going. So I got up and started tossing things in boxes. Take, donate, toss. Take, donate, toss. I’ve been loosing weight lately, and the majority of my clothes were not fitting very well. Most ended up in the donate/toss boxes. When I got done, I had three or four shirts, three pairs of pants, some unmentionables, and socks.

The day before, I’d bought a suitcase and as I surveyed my small pile I realized it was too big for the little I kept. I started thinking of things that I could take with me to fill the space. But Spirit was saying take less, not more. I’d have to take the bag back and get a carry-on size, but in the mean time, my headache was getting worse and I didn’t want to leave the house.

I sat down to my card table that I use for card readings and started pulling cards. I couldn’t really focus because of the tension and the headache, but I remember looking down and knowing I’d have to leave the cards. I would need to leave everything. Okay, I could adapt to that. Most things could be easily replaced, but there were two objects in my life that can never be replaced, and they are my teddy bears.

Those bears have been with me longer than any person ever has. I got my panda bear from my Mom on my 21st birthday. The other bear came into my world through the birth of my niece. I’d had both of them for decades and slept with them every night. They have been the most constant companions and comfort givers I’ve ever had in my life.

But Sprit/God/Source was telling me I’d have to give them up. That knowledge took me to my knees. I might as well have lost my mother again, it was that intense. The only good thing about it, they were there to comfort me through the grief.

The crying worsened the headache to migraine status and even as I asked if I could take another nap with the bears, I knew the answer was no. I started planning who I would give them to so they would be protected even if I wasn’t able to be there with them. I asked for help in letting them go, and immediately my phone rang. Seriously, it was two seconds later, and I got up and checked it, but it was a number I didn’t know.

I glanced out the window and saw a drip from the chair on the balcony. It looked like a tear drop and it sparked another knowing. My favorite vlogger is currently on a TV show called Naked and Afraid and the similarity between what he is going through and what I’m doing is pretty clear. I will have to let go of everything to make this transformation, to make the jump into my happier future.

No wonder people don’t do this. It’s freaking terrifying.

I noticed one of the battery powered candles on the mantel was lit. The one I have next to my mother’s photo turns on sometimes without my help. She was letting me know she wanted to talk, so I sat down to meditate.

The next reveal was easier somehow. Release all that you have been and all that you are. Compared to letting go of my teddy bears, letting go of me was easy. When I came out of that meditation the migraine was raging, but I felt like I could sleep. I climbed into bed, cuddling the bears for what I knew would be one of the last times before I sent them to their new home. A heating pad and a guided meditation got the headache under control enough for me to sleep.

When I got up a couple hours later, I was weak as a kitten and unsteady. I still had a bit of the headache so I posted on Facebook that I needed some Reiki. Several people responded and within the hour I was feeling well enough to get out. I had to take back that huge suitcase, as well as get my driver’s license renewed.

As I returned home, I got another Spirit message. I didn’t need to part from the bears permanently. They could go with me. Releasing them was a step in releasing the old me. I had to go through that process to make way for the new me. True friends, whether they be flesh and blood or fabric and stuffing, are hard to replace and I was glad to know they were joining me on this journey.

A few hours later, Spirit/God/Source let me know my next step. I booked a flight to Portland, Oregon, and the only things I’m taking with me are a couple changes of clothes, my camera and my teddy bears.

Time to lift off: 1 day, 10 hours and 10 minutes.

Blessed be.